


Soul Mates

by carsneedle



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 08:19:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13072908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carsneedle/pseuds/carsneedle
Summary: Yamamoto orders everyone to participate in Nanao and Rangiku's new dating service.





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally published on fanfic.net in 2008! I'm in the process of bringing old fic over. Please enjoy.

Nanao Ise was annoyed. Why, on today of all days when the stack of papers on her desk was so high that she couldn't see over it, did Captain Ukitake have to be hanging around the Division 8 office?

She looked down at her paper, then up at the man who was rocking back and forth in his chair, then back down again. "Well, it's like I said, Captain, I really don't know where Captain Kyoraku is right now. He never really showed up this morning."

Jushiro Ukitake sighed. "You wouldn't mind if I waited here for a few more minutes, would you? I just, I can't go back to my division yet."

"Why is that?" Nanao asked through a clenched jaw, struggling to maintain a civil tone.

"It's Koetsu-san and Kotsubuki-san! They are driving me absolutely insane today!" he confessed. "It's always 'Captain Ukitake, I'm going to finish all of this paperwork myself because Kotsubuki-san is an ape-faced moron' then 'Captain Ukitake, I'm going to finish all of that paperwork before she does because Koetsu-san is a scrawny weakling' and in the end, they never finish anything! I cannot spend one more second with the two of them. I just wish that they had someone else to bother!"

Kind of like I'm wishing right now, Nanao thought. Luckily at that moment, Captain Kyoraku arrived.

"Good morning, Nanao-chan! Hey Juu-chan, what brings you to the 8th?"

"Captain!" Nanao practically jumped up from her chair, narrowly avoiding knocking one of her stacks of papers over. "Where have you been? I was looking for you everywhere!"

"Did you miss me Nanao-chan? Sorry, I fell asleep under that tree outside. I just woke up because Captain Kurotsuchi and his daughter were really going at it, you could hear them yelling at each other across the whole ." He then turned to Captain Ukitake "Hey, you want to go get a drink?"

"Shunshui, it's not even lunch time yet."

"Exactly! I like to get an early start. Nanao-chan won't mind, will you? I'm sure you don't want us in here annoying you while you're trying to work."

"Of course," Nanao said, "You two go on and have fun!" Finally, some quiet time alone, she thought as they left. Now she would be able to work in peace. Thank goodness that Captain Kyoraku and Captain Ukitake had each other so that they had someone else to bother. Wait, someone else to bother? Wasn't that just what Captain Ukitake had said? Suddenly, Nanao had the perfect idea of how to get everyone in the Gotei 13 to get along. But she was going to need some help. Good thing she had the perfect partner in crime in mind.

"Nanao, that's an amazing idea!" Rangiku told her friend. "I've had it up to here with my captain complaining about the paperwork, and I would absolutely love to set him up on a date! Then he'd have some other girl to bother and something else to think about."

"Exactly what I was thinking! But I don't know how we're going to be able to convince everyone to participate."

"Well," said Rangiku after a moment, "The way I see it, we'll have to go straight to General Yamamoto; he's the only one with the authority to make everyone do something."

"How are we going to persuade him that this is a good idea?"

"Well, I happen to know that Vice-Captain Sasakibe just went through a really nasty breakup; he's in the bar practically every night. He just needs the right woman to take his mind off his troubles. Don't you think General Yamamoto would appreciate having a sober lieutenant around to do the paperwork?"

Nanao smiled, glad that she was lucky to have such a helpful friend.

"Abarai! What is this paper on my desk?"

"It's orders from General Yamamoto, Captain Kuchiki. We all have to participate, "for the cause of peace and brotherhood", in this dating service. Apparently, he thinks it will help us all get along better."

"Well, just make sure you fill out my form or whatever. I'm way too busy to be bothered with something like that."

"Yes, sir," Renji muttered under his breath.

"There is no way I'm filling that thing out! I have better things to do!"

"But Captain, General Yamamoto said that we have to!" Ikkaku Madarame insisted. He turned to his friend Yumichika Ayasegawa, who was already engrossed in filling out his own form, for back-up.

"It's not that bad, Captain. Look, I'm even using a purple pen, that way my form will be the most beautiful."

"I don't have time for this!" Kenpachi Zaraki thundered. He turned and stormed out of the office.

Vice-Captain Yachiru Kusajisji chose this moment to pop in on her fellow Division 11 members.

"What did you guys do to Kenny? He looks really angry."

"The captain won't fill out his form, and now I'm sure we're going to be in trouble with the General!" Ikkaku said.

"I want to fill it out!" She wasn't allowed to participate in the grown up game, but Yachiru though it seemed fun. Maybe she could help Kenny find a nice lady friend. She stole a pink pen off Yumichika's desk and grabbed Kenny's paper.

"Okay, name. Kenny. Division, 11th , the best one ever! Hobbies/interests…."

"Okay Nanao, this is the last of them," Rangiku said as she entered Nanao's office carrying a box stuffed with papers. "And I have my captain's right here," she said, putting one last sheet on top.

"How'd you get him to fill that out?" Nanao asked. She still couldn't get Captain Kyoraku to sit still long enough to finish his.

"Oh, I just put it in one of the piles on his desk. When he gets to down to business, I don't think he even reads his papers that closely. He probably never knew what he was signing himself up for."

Nanao laughed. "So," she said, looking around at the forms that had joined her paperwork "how are we going to match everyone up? It'll take us forever to sort through all of these."

"Well, I actually have a few ideas about that…."


	2. Izuru

Izuru Kira stood in front of the mirror, glaring at his reflection. "Okay Izuru, just relax, you can do this. She's just a girl; you can totally handle one simple date. Even though you've never actually been on a date before. No, don't think about that. Just focus."

He patted down his blond hair, then left his room.

In this division 8 barracks, Shuhei Hisagi was also looking at his reflection. He grinned at himself, then said "you have the heart of a champion." Then he left his room.

Rangiku had decided that for their first match, they should do a double date so that their fellow Soul Reapers would feel less uncomfortable, figuring that among four people, someone should be able to come up with something to say.

She couldn't have been more wrong.

Whatever confidence that Shuhei had felt earlier was completely gone. He would have been fine if it had just been him and Isane; they usually got along all right. But why did Kira have to be here? He was going to make a total idiot of himself.

Izuru was struggling too. He couldn't think of anything to say to Nemu at all. Finally he managed to come up with "So, how's your father?"

"My father hates me," Nemu said quietly. Then she burst into tears.

"My parents are dead," Izuru blurted out. Then he burst into tears.

Shuhei leaned forward and put his head down on the table. Isane was laughing hysterically. "This is the best idea anyone around here has had for a long time!"

"Rangiku, did you hear? The General's calling a meeting about our little project!"

"Yeah, I'm coming right behind you. This is exciting! I wonder what he's going to say! Hopefully he's been getting good feedback from everyone. Isane stopped by this morning to say that she had a really great time last night."

"Oh that's great! I've been trying to talk to Nemu, but Mayuri told me that she's grounded. And I can't find Izuru or Shuhei anywhere!" Nanao said.

"Well, I'm sure they'll be at the meeting."

"Thank you for coming everyone." General Yamamoto said. "I just wanted you all to know how pleased I am that you have all obeyed my orders and participated in Vice-Captain Ise and Vice-Captain Matsumoto's venture." There were a few grumbles from the crowd, but he ignored them and continued. "I think that this is going to make us all so much happier, spending time with one another outside of work. So, that's all. You're free to go."

"Look Nanao, there's Izuru and Shuhei! Let's go talk to them," Rangiku whispered. "Shuhei! Izuru!" she called. The pair stopped walking.

"Nanao and I were just wondering if you two had a good time last night," Rangiku said. "We were hoping you'd stop by to give us some feedback."

"What?" Izuru's voice was an octave higher than usual. "Oh, yeah, it was fine. Right Shuhei?"

"Yeah, fine, just fine," he echoed. "The date went fine, and then Izuru and I went out for a drink afterwards."

"Uh-huh," Nanao said. "And that would explain why it is that you're wearing a Division 3 robe while Izuru's happens to have a Division 9 badge on it?"


	3. The Men of 11

"Which one of you filled out my form!" Kenpachi Zaraki shouted as he stormed into the Division 11 barracks.

"What are you shouting about, Kenny?" Yachiru asked. "I filled out your form because I want you to be happy and meet a nice lady!"

"Well, now I have to show up for this stupid date. That's not making me happy!"

"You never know Captain, you might actually have a good time," Ikkaku said.

"No, I won't" He left almost as quickly as he had come, slamming the door behind him.

"What's his problem?" Yumichika asked.

"I bet he's scared!" Yachiru chirped.

"No, that man's not afraid of anything," Ikkaku said.

They were wrong. He wasn't scared; he was terrified. Lying on the floor of his room, he was surprised he even knew what to call the emotion he was feeling, the emotion he had felt so few times in his life. But Kenpachi Zaraki was not a man to back down from a challenge. So he stood up.

Somehow, he'd known it was going to be her. The moment he saw the long dark braid and the kind smile, his knees felt weak. But then he saw a girl with pink hair sitting next to Retsu.

"Yachiru, is everything okay? You were supposed to stay with Ikkaku and Yumichika," he said, trying not to be angry at her sudden appearance.

"That's why I'm here Kenny! They got Rangiku-chan to come and play with me because they said they had to go somewhere. But Rangiku-chan told them to have a nice time on their date. Kenny, are they gay?"

Curse those bastards for not keeping their private lives to themselves. As long as they could keep up with him in a fight and took care of all of the paperwork so that he didn't have to waste time that he could have spent training, he didn't care what they did. Now how was he supposed to explain things to Yachiru?

"Where did you hear that from?" he asked. He was going to kill both of them with his bare hands for not keeping their conversations Yachiru -appropriate.

"Rangiku-chan told me. But that was before she fell asleep. I think she was drinking, Kenny. And what does gay mean anyway?"

Retsu stepped in. "It's just a word that people use to mean really really happy."

"Oh. Kenny, I'm gay!"

Kenpachi put his head in his hands. He was the world's worst father.

"Oh, honey, it's only a word that grown-ups use," Retsu told her.

"Oooh. Okay. Kenny, can I stay and have dinner with you and Braid Lady?

At a table in the back of the restaurant, where no one could see them, two members of Division 11 shared dessert, and a kiss.


	4. Soifon

Soifon stood in front of her mirror, braiding and rebraiding her hair. Each time she finished, she looked at the clock, then began again. Finally, she realized that she couldn't stall any longer. She'd have to show up for her date or risk the wrath of General Yamamoto.

She was early when she arrived at the restaurant, despite her best efforts to be late. Why had she signed up for this? It's not like she would end up being happy, she thought as she followed the waiter to her table.

Her heart gave a leap, and for a moment seemed to stop beating. A black cat was sitting on the table opposite her place. Could it be possible?

She was devastated when she realized that the cat was stuffed, merely a child's toy. Someone's idea of a sick joke. "I'll make whoever did this pay," she growled under her breath.

It was then that her date showed up. Unfortunately for him, she was in a bad mood. She held up the cat "I sure hope that this wasn't your idea."

"I didn't have anything to do with it, I promise," Sajin Komamura said.

"Or did you think that I'd just automatically like you just because you happen to have furry ears?" Soifon said, unaware that people from nearby tables were staring at them.

She ran out of the restaurant. But she took the stuffed cat with her.

Everyone in the restaurant pretended not to notice that Captain Komamura was crying.


	5. Renji

Rangiku was drunk. But that wasn't unusual. Soifon had just left, having complained about someone leaving a stuffed cat at her table last night. Didn't people have anything better to do with their time?

And now how was she supposed to pick a good couple when she was in such a bad mood? Nanao had struck gold with Kenpachi Zaraki and Retsu Unohana. But as far as Rangiku could tell, from sources she'd secretly placed in the restaurant, Soifon had actually made Captain Komamura cry last night.

If only her head wasn't so fuzzy, then she could pick out the right pair. But after an hour and a few more glasses of sake, she found a couple that was such a perfect match, their forms were practically identical. Or at least, she though they were. She was having some trouble reading. But there was no doubt about it, this date was going to be a hit!

Renji Abarai stood in front of the mirror, brushing out his long red hair. He tied it up, but decided that it looked stupid, so he took it down again. He was nervous; why was he nervous? It wasn't like he'd never been on a date before. Hell, it wasn't like he'd never been with a woman before. He was a large, semi-muscular man, and he could handle anything.

Except for this. "Captain Kuchiki, wh- what are you doing here?" he stammered.

"What are you talking about, Abarai? I told you earlier that my date was tonight," Captain Kuchiki said.

"But, the waiter told me to come to this table!" Renji was so confused. How could this be happening to him?

"Abarai, what did you do? You filled out my form, didn't you? So, this is entirely your fault! There must be some sort of mistake! We have to go see Vice-Captain Ise and Vice-Captain Matsumoto right now, because I want an explanation for this!

"Could you please try not to shout, Captain Kuchiki? I have a headache," Rangiku said. Damn alcohol.

"You'll be lucky if all you have is a headache, Vice-Captain Matsumoto. You'll be lucky if I don't complain to the General. Is this some kind of sick joke?"

"Just let me check out your forms," Rangiku told him. "I really don't know where this went wrong."

"These forms are exactly the same!" Captain Kuchiki shouted. "Abarai, what the hell did you do?"

Renji took the forms from his captain. True enough, the forms were identical, except for the names.

Damn, Renji thought, I must have been really drunk. He didn't even remember filling out the forms, but apparently he had, because they were both in his handwriting. Apparently, he had written the same thing on each on, but written different names.

"I'm sorry Captain. I have no excuse, except to say that I honestly don't remember doing this. I think I may have been drunk, sir."

"If I ever catch you drinking again, you'll be dead for real this time!" Captain Kuchiki threatened. "And you, Vice-Captain Matsumoto, what exactly is your excuse? How could you not notice the names on the form or the fact that they are exactly the same? I suppose you're also going to tell me that you think you were drunk?"

"No, sir. I know that I was drunk."


	6. Shiro

Toshiro looked up from his paperwork at the clock, surprised at the time. He was going to be late for his date if he didn't hurry, and if he missed it Rangiku was going to kill him. It was funny, but he didn't even remember filling out his form. But if General Yamamoto gave an order, then Toshiro would follow it. He ruffled his hair in the back, then strode out of his office.

As he approached the table, he realized that the girl sitting there was familiar. "Momo?"

"Oh, hi Shiro-chan."

"Hi. How are-" It was then that he noticed what was sitting in his chair.

"Um, Momo, what exactly is that thing?"

"Why are you acting so strange, Shiro-chan? It's just Captain Aizen. You could be a little more polite and say hello to him."

"Momo, that thing is not Captain Aizen! It's a cardboard cutout! Where did you get that from?"

"Shiro-chan, I don't know what you're talking about! And why do you have to be so rude and interrupt our date?"

"Your date? But, this is my table!"

"Shiro-chan, now you're embarrassing me in front of Captain Aizen!"

"Okay, Momo, just stay here. I'm going to go get Captain Unohana."

The table was quiet as Momo sat in silence for a few minutes. Then she said "Oh Captain Aizen, you tell the funniest jokes."


	7. Gin

Gin Ichimaru was a little bit confused. He'd just received a hell moth from Nanao Ise requesting that he come to the Soul Society to participate in a new Gotei 13 wide dating program. Right, like he was going to fall for a trap like that one. Still, Gin appreciated a challenge. And the challenge of this was going to be getting out without attracting too much attention from Aizen.

"Um, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"What? Oh good Gin, come here. Look at this new bumper sticker I just sent you on Facebook! It says "I'm not trying to impress you, but I'm Batman! Isn't that just great? I love it!"

Ever since they got computers and wireless internet access, Aizen had been reduced to a ghost of his former criminal mastermind self. Suddenly, his laptop pinged.

"Oh, hang on a minute, Gin. That's Tosen. We're using that new Facebook chat thing, it's really great!"

"Um, isn't he just in the next room?"

"Well, yeah, but this way he doesn't even have to get up! You know how hard it is for him to get around since we had all of that interior decorating done."

"How is he even typing, anyway?"

"Well, they have this new software that types things as you say them. It's really amazing! If I was alive right now, I really could have had a good time. And look at this! I'm ordering a Renji wig! For Halloween I thought that I could go as him cosplaying as me! What do you think?"

"Um.."

"Oh, there's Tosen again!"

"Um, who's that "Things would be so much easier if we were gay" bumper sticker for?"

"That's none of your business, Gin! Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to be left alone for the next few hours."

Gin took his chance and left.

Rangiku was glad that she took Nanao up on her offer to set her up on a date. She was feeling so bad after all of the dates that she had messed up in the past few days. It would feel great just to have a chance to relax and take it easy for one night. At least, that was what she was thinking until her date showed up.

"Gin? What are you doing here?"

"Hi Ran-chan. How's it going? Nanao invited me here; she seemed to think this would be a good idea."

Rangiku was speechless. Luckily, she didn't have to think of anything to say.

"Gin Ichimaru, by orders of General Yamamoto, you are under arrest!"

"Sorry Ran-chan, looks like I have to go," Gin said as his wrists were placed in handcuffs.

Rangiku sighed as she once again found herself all alone. But at least she knew where he was going this time.


	8. Byakuya

In order to make up for her mistake that had led to Renji and Captian Kuchiki going out on a date, Rangiku had decided to set up the Division 6 captain with someone else.

Byakuya Kuchiki was staring at his face in the mirror, trying to move his facial muscles into something that resembled a smile. How many years had Hisana been dead? Wasn't it finally time for him to move on and to be happy again?

"You deserve this," he told his reflection.

But he didn't think that he deserved the shock that went through his entire body when he entered the restaurant and caught a glimpse of his date.

"Hisana?" he whispered. Impossible

She turned her head at the sound of his voice

"Nii-sama?" Rukia Kuchiki asked. "What are you doing here?"

He was in trouble now. Was there any dignified way that he could get out of this? Luckily he didn't have to think of anything to say, because at that moment Ichigo Kurosaki popped out from a booth a few feet away.

"Oh, so this is what you meant when you said you had to go back to the Soul Society to pick up the new Chappy catalogue!" He shouted, glaring at Rukia. People were beginning staring at the three of them now.

"Ichigo, I-".

Unfortunately, whatever Rukia had to say was cut off as Renji Abarai burst into the restaurant.

"Captain Kuchiki, you forgot your-Rukia! What are you doing here? Oh. Oh! I see how it is, Captain. Going out on a date with your own sister-in-law is somehow an improvement over going out with me?"

"You two went out on a date?" Ichigo and Rukia shouted at the same time.

Byakuya Kuchiki put his head down on the table. Why him?


	9. Yamamoto

General Yamamoto was getting to old for this nonsense. There were far too many people in his office and they were all trying to talk at once.

"Silence, please. I know it's been an exciting week-"

"Exciting? Try insulting! First they set me up with my own Vice-Captain, then my sister-in-law!"

"Not to mention the cruel and vicious practical joke that someone played on me! I want to see someone punished for that!"

"And General, I demand to know who let Momo out of the hospital when she was clearly so unstable!"

"General Yamamoto, have you had any time to figure out when the best day for our wedding would be? Kenny and I want to get married as soon as possible."

"I'm sorry Captain Unohana, I-"

"General, Yum-chan and I also want to declare our legal commitment to each other."

"Well, Madarame-san, I'll see what I can-"

"General, was it really necessary to have Gin arrested? I was only trying to help out Rangiku, I really didn't mean anything by it."

"Well Vice-Captain Ise, I-"

At that moment, General Yamamoto's clock chimed, signaling the top of the hour. The noise drowned out the chatter for a moment, and he was able to finally get a word in.

"I'm sorry everyone, but I have to leave. I happen to have a date with a certain lovely brunette who used to be captain of the 5th Division." General Yamamoto made his way through a crowd that parted for him like the Red Sea did for Moses. The crowd in his office was silent with horror, so quiet that they could hear General Yamamoto singing "You are my sunshine/my only sunshine/you make me happy/when skies are grey/" as he made his way down the street.

Rangiku leaned closer to Nanao. "Just for the record, I had nothing to do with that one."


End file.
